The Exposed Innebriated Buccaneer
by Batmanda
Summary: Teen Titans in their 30's. Where are they? What are they doing? Read to find out! Also published under a former pen name of mine, but this version has been revised. It was reviewed as: Creative, twisted, horrifying, and on crack Enjoy!
1. Industrial Sized

Authors Notes- Tis my first Fan Fic, hope you likey! My friends liked this one and thought I should post it here. Plz Review and say what you think about it! Even flames!

**Chapter 1**

"Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Raven, Happy Birth— Argh! "

Raven grimaced at the cruel light penetrating her eyelids and swatted out to the source of the it, smacking Cyborg right across his grinning face.

"Do you have any idea what time it is?" Raven groaned.

Cyborg checked his wrist "its 7:34. I didn't want to wake you so early, but we have a big day ahead of us babe!" He spoke softly, attempting to keep her in a 'good' mood. "You're 30 today!"

"Are you calling me old!" black orbs formed in her hands.

"No! Let's just have fun today, ok Hun?"

"Fine, but one quickie before I get up."

"Damn baby! That's what I'm talking about, you sexy demon!"

--

He struts down the street, talking to himself, in a tattered red and green spandex outfit that he grew out of years ago. People on the street stare as he talks openly to himself. Always the same thing…

"He's not dead, he's not… I'll show them, he's here, he always has been…"

He makes a sharp right turn into a seemingly empty street. He knows where he's going, he goes there every day. They know him, he even has a tab. He pushes open the door, alerting the sales person behind the counter with the eerie, tinkling bell.

"Ah, Robin. Our best customer. What will it be today? We have some new edible paints, stocked especially for you!"

"Oh yeah, and I'm also here for something new… Where are your blow-up dolls?"

"Good choice, we have a new, life-like Angelina Jolee with a unique warming feature and-."

"No, maybe another time. What about male dolls?"

"Um… ok… Yeah, we have a nicely-hung David Hasselhoff doll…"

"Perfect… How Much? Could you throw in some of that orange and black paint too? And one more thing, do you have industrial sized, flavored, tubes of lube? Preferably strawberry."

--

A sickly green dog stirred and awoke in its newspaper-lined cage.

"What? Damn it. I fell asleep in that alley again."

It morphed into a field mouse and slipped through the chain-link cage door. Damn those dog catchers. Beast boy roamed the slimy back alleys of the city, and for got sometimes where, or who, for that matter, he was. Sometimes ending up passed out with the other stray animals. When he wasn't sleeping, he was stalking Raven. Sometimes as a stray kitty, following her down the dank streets of this disgusting city. Wishing he could reach out to her and let her know he was there. Or sometimes becoming a small fly, strategically placed on the ceiling, envying Cyborg for all he has, and wishing he could feel Raven like he did.

"Where am I? God I hate this, out of every stray dog in this whole god forsaken city, _I_ get picked up all the fucking time. Ah, here we are." He went behind a building and morphed into a fly. If you did that on the sidewalk, people would go crazy. He'd done that once or twice, when he'd gotten really wasted. Beast Boy went down into an empty wasteland, the former lake. He flew up the glass tower, into a cracked window.

--

"I'm heading home. I'll see you later?"

"Sure honey, be careful. There are more sickos out there than you'd think."

"Okay. Bye, then…"

She went to the back room to get her purse, and took off for home.

StarFire took to the sky and made fun flight-patterns, having fun with the loops on her way back to her dingy apartment. She created a dust cloud when she touched down and stepped down the trap door into her overpriced box.

The smell of sex and booze was thick in the air and StarFire knew she was home. She dumped the purse out onto the fold-away bed and counted the contents.

"Three hundred and fifty dollars. Not bad for a rookie…" She laughed to herself. The alien princess let herself fall onto the lumpy mattress and squealed when she was stuck in the back with a small safety pin. The prick seeped blood, but she wasn't worried about that. She was much more enclosed in the piece of paper pinned to her pillow.

'_Meet me at Titan Tower tonight. –Cyborg'_

_------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ _Did you like? Did it flow well? Criticism welcomed! BTW I turned this in, edited for content of course, to my LA teacher for EC. I hope he likes it! Review Plz!


	2. Flying Toasters

**Chapter 2**

She clambered out of the sticky bed and paced the room while Cyborg followed her with his eyes. Raven took a sharp turn and threw open her closet. As much as she hated these clothes, she couldn't bring it to herself to tell Cyborg that his creations were hideous. She selected the flying-toaster print suit and matching black cape and dressed discretely.

"I love that one, it's my best work!" Cyborg exclaimed.

"Yeah… My favorite…" Raven said in her usual monotone. "Where are we going first?" She asked hopefully.

"You'll see. It's a huge surprise! I've been working on it for days!"

"Oh goody." She said, under her breath, _'I hope it's not another one of his attempted stabs at designing.'_

Cyborg leapt out of bed and picked her up. He held her, kicking and screaming above his head. Cyborg lowered her closer to his face.

"I love you." He whispered

"As do I," she whispered back. Raven kissed him, and the bedside table melted in a black cloud.

Cyborg placed a blindfold on Raven once they were outside and headed off to her birthday surprise.

With his giant shopping bag in hand, bearing '_Come 'till you cum', _Robin half ran back to his home. He was the only sane one left, or so he told himself. He skipped down the empty streets and passed his favorite stripper bar, '_The Exposed Inebriated Buccaneer'_. He went around a corner and stared into an almost empty piece of desert. He nanced to the familiar front door, and flopped onto the purple couch in the living room of Titan Tower. Robin opened his shopping bag and let out a squeal of delight.

He morphed back into his usual green-man form in mid air over his bed. Beast Boy rolled over to stare at his wife.

"I'm home dearest; did you have a good night? Sorry I didn't come home, the dog catchers got me again."

The blank face stared back at him.

"Well, I'm glad you had a good night, would you like some breakfast? How about tofu waffles? They're your favorite!"

Nothing.

"Hopefully Robin stays out of the kitchen. He's so weird, always talking to himself. At least I talk to someone who's not _dead_. I'll go get your waffles, honey."

The stone face of Terra just stared into nothingness as Beast boy went to make her breakfast in bed.

She stared at the note and pondered…. '_Should I go and meet Him? The friend and I haven't traded words in so long. I am wondering what he does want. I am so tired. I shall sleep with this thought in my head.'_

Star carefully placed the note next to her bed, curled up in her covers, and began to snore.

StarFire's alarm squawked for her to awaken and go to work a few hours later. She dressed into her plastic, pirate outfit and flew out the window to the bar where she was a pole dancer. On the way to the _'The Exposed Inebriated Buccaneer'_ she was thinking of Cyborg's note. She decided to ignore it. Whatever he wanted, Star didn't care. It wasn't important; otherwise he would have tried harder to get a hold of her. Star was about to land, when she spotted the Tower in the Distance, and wished she knew if anyone was there


	3. Stolen Waffels

**Chapter 3**

"Cyborg, we've been walking forever! Where are we going?" Raven was fuming, she hated to walk.

"You'll see! We're almost there. Okay. Take off the blindfold."

Raven tore it off, dreading what she was about to see.

"Oh Ducky. Why are we here?" Raven stared straight up at the ten story, glass, Titans Tower.

"I thought we could spend your birthday like old times, here. It will be awesome."

"Lovely." Raven looked down at the flying toasters and remembered why she was there in the first place.

They both walked, hand in hand, into the front door of the tower, to find Robin molesting Slade on the living room floor.

"Holy shit! Cyborg? Raven! What the hell are you doing here?" Robin shouted.

"Who cares why we're here, man, what the fuck are you doing? He's dead!" Cyborg took another look at the motionless Slade on the floor, and he Realized it was a sex doll with Slade's mask crudely painted on it.

"Dude, that's wrong."

Raven turned to face the wall; she didn't want to see that. Not only was it sick, but Robin was naked. Not something she ever wanted to see.

Robin stood up, Cyborg winced.

"Dude! Put some clothes on!" Cyborg said

"Yes, please, I think I'm going to be sick…" Raven managed to say through a fit of gagging.

Robin stomped off, Slade dragging behind him.

"That was interesting… Anyway," Raven said.

Just then, Cyborg looked up to see Beast Boy rummaging in the kitchen.

"Hey guys! How's it going? I'm making breakfast, you want some?"

"Yeah…" Cyborg said, "Hey, BB. How've you been?" Cyborg said.

"Great. Wonderful. Perfect." Beast Boy said bitterly. "I'm just making waffles for Terra." His eye started to twitch.

Raven and Cyborg looked sideways at each other.

"Beast Boy," Raven started carefully, "Terra? Terra's dead"

Beast Boy snapped around, "She is not. She's upstairs, in my room. Waiting for her breakfast," he had an insane look about him, "I'm taking Terra her breakfast. I'll see you later." Beast Boy loaded up his plate with waffles and turned on his heel.

A black waffle flew through the air and landed in Ravens palm. Cyborg gave her a _what-the-hell-are-you-doing_ look.

"You know how much I love waffles." She claimed.

"Yeah, I've heard. More than life itself," he sighed.

Raven munched delightfully on the edge of her stolen waffle.

"What the hell is up with those guys? They've snapped!" Cyborg said lightly.

"Obviously Robin has issues with Slade. We all saw him dead, but Robin won't believe it. Slade was never really gone, not to him anyway. Maybe there's more to it than we thought." Raven was sympathetic. More than anyone had ever seen from her. "Poor Beast boy," She got even more depressed, "He's imagining Terra. I know they had a thing, but I never liked her. She was always a bitch. I know that's horrible, because she's dead, but it's the truth. It's sad, really." She licked her fingers and looked up, "I think I'll go talk to him…" and with that said, she left Cyborg standing, by himself, to go comfort the hallucinating changeling.

Robin took Slade by the hand back to his room and shoved him into the closet, slamming the door in his dripping face.

"He deserves what he gets. They can't tell me what to do," He mumbled.

Robin stood up and glimpsed at himself in the mirror. He'd let himself go over the years. He was smeared in the Slade-paint and his hair was matted. Not the perfect boy wonder he used to be.

"I look like shit, I need a shower." He said to no one.

He shuffled to the bathroom and stepped into the hot water stream. As it coursed over his naked body, he felt a bit better.

"I need a drink," His words drowned in sorrow.

"Beast Boy," Raven knocked softly on his bedroom door. She heard talking on the other side, "Beast Boy? I need to talk to you! Come on, open up."

The door creaked, one lone hazel eye could be seen.

"What, I'm kind of busy here."

"Can I come in? I really need to talk to you."

"Okay. Come in!" He smiled widely, and his eye twitched.

"Beast Boy, are you Okay?" Raven was trying to be nice, but that smile was creepy.

"Oh, I'm perfect," The door _clicked_ and Beast Boy whipped around.

"Beast Boy, about Terra-"

"Oh, don't worry, she won't bother us."

"What?" Raven turned around, and stared into the statues face. "Oh, god! You brought her back here? You're just as sick as Robin!"

Best Boy pounced on top of Raven and pinned her to the floor, holding her mouth shut.

"Shh, it will all be over soon," he littered scraps of flying toasters everywhere, tearing at them like an animal. His hand slipped.

"AZARATH METRION Z_YNTHUS!"_ Raven shouted, and Beast boy imploded in a black blur.


	4. Drinking Mustard

**Chapter 4**

Robin, in his two sizes too small spandex, lumbered into '_The Exposed Inebriated Buccaneer'. _

"I feel better already" He took his favorite seat: right at the bar, in front of a pole. He ordered his drink and sat back. The girl with the eye-patch and wench makeup was stripping in front of him, and he was ruthlessly goggling at her.

"You want to go privately?" He asked the wench. He flashed a $20. She nodded and led him to a booth. Before she even got the chance to turn on the black light, he whacked her in the back of the head, and she fell lifeless to the floor. He rolled her over, ripped off her clothes, tore off her eye-patch, and realized with horror,

"Holy fuck" It was StarFire. "Star? Oh god, what have I done!" He lifted up her body and carried her to the alley behind the bar. Crying his eyes out, he laid her on the asphalt. "Star…I'm so sorry." he whispered. "What can I do? Don't worry Star, you'll carry on."

"Oh shit," Raven clambered to her feet, "Beast Boy, oh god, I'm so sorry." Raven started to cry. Waves of fury and tears coursed their way through her. The black orbs in her hands were pulsing.

Raven stood there, crying silently to herself. Then, Cyborg walked in to find her there, in flying toaster scraps.

"Raven, what the hell is going on?"

"Beast Boy! He ripped my clothes off! He-"

"What? What's wrong with you?"

"What? No! Cyborg, its not like that! Beast boy! He-"

"No, I know exactly what's going on here. Where is he?"

"He's gone! I-"

"He ran when he heard me coming, didn't he! That coward. I brought you here to have a Titan reunion for your birthday!"

"Really! Honey, that's so sweet of you. But you really don't understand what happened!" Raven was frantic at this point

"I know exactly what happened! I've given you everything! And how do you repay me? By fucking Beast Boy! You're sick!" Cyborg whipped out his arm cannon.

"Cyborg, no! It's not like that! Beast Boy attacked me! You don't under-"

"No, I understand perfectly. You're going to pay Raven. This is for all the times you've hurt me or threatened me. You'll pay."

"Cyborg…please!" Raven pleaded.

Cyborg cocked his arm, "You bitch," and blasted Raven away.

Robin walked slowly back to the Tower, his suit was much too tight now. It was hard to walk in. There weren't many people on the street, it was getting late. But the few people out that night, stared, horrified at the sight of Robin wearing StarFire like a second skin. When Robin got home, he found Cyborg sleeping on the couch in a puddle of snot and tears. Robin tip-toed past him.

"I do not want to wake friend Cyborg," he whispered.

In StarFire's room Robin examined himself. The skin was stretched gruesomely over his oversized body. Her face was crooked and the mouth had ripped open across her face.

"I am so tired. I will sleep now" Robin said in a high-pitched voice.

Cyborg woke the next morning, and then remembered the event of the previous night. He kept his eyes shut.

"_Oh shit. Did I really do that? Maybe it was just a horrible dream…" _He thought to himself,_ "Yeah, that's it. It was just a dream, and I'm going to open my eyes and I'm going to be in my apartment. Raven is lying right next to me…" _With his eyes still closed, he rolled over, and fell off the couch.

"Argh! Holy fuck, it wasn't a dream! God, what was I thinking? Raven would never!" He stood up. "Oh, morning Star, I guess you got my-"

Robin turned around with a bottle of mustard in hand. Cyborg screamed like a little girl, whipped out his cannon, and blasted the shit out of everything he could see.

"Holy fuck, what was that! I've got to be hallucinating. This is just bizarre." The house was growling. Cyborg looked for the source of the sound. He went to examine the damage he'd caused, and he fell through the floor as the whole tower crumbled around him.


End file.
